Reminiscing

I was thinking today about how CD 1's have changed over the years. And as I was typing realized how that might sound weird to a normal person that has not gone through the infertility diagnosis. Oh well, I am running with it.................

See when I "started" in college it was a celebration. Right after the "oh shit" moments when it's a day or two late, the phone call to Boyfriend Du Jour where we both sigh, and feel relief.

The first month off the pill was unpredictable, so it was good when Aunt Flow finally showed up. I knew things were working, and we could get down to business.

The first few months of tying AF would arrive on time, as expected. No biggie. We really didn't want to be successful until after a friend's wedding, or until after Thanksgiving. It's ok. No biggie. We will try something different next month.

I got the book, read the book. Got the app, used the app. Got to know my body, my rhythms. Checked mucus and positioning every day. Peed on sticks, and still she came; again and again.

It got really old after a while.

Then, we got scared. And sad. We felt like we were doing it wrong. Like if we only understood better, or timed differently, or ate more sweet potatoes, it would happen for us too. Just like they said it would.

So we relaxed, took a nice trip out of town, didn't stress about it, didn't really try (while continuing to try), ate tons of fruits and veggies, did a fertility prepping cleanse, detox'd, ate like shit, got massage, got acupuncture, ate like crap, and drank too much. We tried everything, and the let down on CD1 was hard. I would just look at S, see the look of sadness, and cry. Then resolve to try harder the next month.

Then we got "the" diagnosis. Infertile. Such relief and grief in that moment. It made sense why all those things didn't work. It wasn't us doing it wrong. We did everything right. We couldn't have done anything more perfectly to land where we were. We are ok, and now we have a plan.

Give me a plan, and I am good. I like control that way. I didn't have to be sad when AF came to town. It was just how we are made. It's not my fault. It's no one's fault and that's a relief.

Since July 2013, tears do not greet Aunt Flow. We know it's in the doctor's hands now. And we will know the exact moment of conception.

Which is cool, especially for those of us who like control that way.