Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
Cracked Eggs
My egg's are about 40
years old. This is the newest news in our world. My AMH is 1.23. That is on the
"low to average" side, so it made sense to do a normal round of IVF.
But it sucks to be 31, and have old ass eggs! It means our road to baby is that
much longer and that much harder. And it is likely my fault. That's what I am
struggling with today.
I started smoking cigarettes off and on the summer after 8th grade. I was 13 or 14. The amount I smoked only increased and I was at about a pack a day by the time I graduated high school. Back then it was cooler to smoke Marlboro Reds. (They are much stronger than "lights", which I eventually "downgraded" to.) I just kept on and kept on doing it too. I knew it was bad for me, I knew it was stupid and I did it anyways thinking I was fine. I'm healthy, Nothing bad will happen to me. My typical young, cocky self.
I did a lot of other stupid things that probably contributed to a "less than healthy lifestyle" back then. But I eventually got my shit together, straightened up and didn't smoke at all for over 2 years.
Then, we went to Vegas. I started again, but only when I drank which at that time was rarely.
Then, Vegas again (2012). I started smoking most of the weekends. And it pretty much snowballed from there. I quit for good in August 2013. Then after my first failed IVF started "weekend smoking" again. I only smoked occasionally until about 2 weeks before the frozen embryo transfer in March 2014. Then quit again. Then the next BFN, and started again, maybe a couple on the weekends and when drinking.
The studies I have found, and from anecdotal evidence the damage was done to the eggs before August 2013 when my AMH was tested at 1.23. That the real damage was done a long time ago, only made worse by my recent relapses, and no hope of healing.
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine states, "Research indicates that cigarette smoking is harmful to a woman’s ovaries, and the degree of harm is dependent upon the amount and the period of time a woman smokes. Smoking appears to accelerate the loss of eggs and reproductive function and may advance the time of menopause by several years. Components in cigarette smoke have been shown to interfere with the ability of cells in the ovary to make estrogen and to cause a woman’s eggs (oocytes) to be more prone to genetic abnormalities."
We are screwed. Never to have a family of our own because I became addicted to nicotine at age 14.
I know this is a bit dramatic. We will have a family, eventually and through creative means. Thankfully technology exists to help overcome my poor choices.
I started smoking cigarettes off and on the summer after 8th grade. I was 13 or 14. The amount I smoked only increased and I was at about a pack a day by the time I graduated high school. Back then it was cooler to smoke Marlboro Reds. (They are much stronger than "lights", which I eventually "downgraded" to.) I just kept on and kept on doing it too. I knew it was bad for me, I knew it was stupid and I did it anyways thinking I was fine. I'm healthy, Nothing bad will happen to me. My typical young, cocky self.
I did a lot of other stupid things that probably contributed to a "less than healthy lifestyle" back then. But I eventually got my shit together, straightened up and didn't smoke at all for over 2 years.
Then, we went to Vegas. I started again, but only when I drank which at that time was rarely.
Then, Vegas again (2012). I started smoking most of the weekends. And it pretty much snowballed from there. I quit for good in August 2013. Then after my first failed IVF started "weekend smoking" again. I only smoked occasionally until about 2 weeks before the frozen embryo transfer in March 2014. Then quit again. Then the next BFN, and started again, maybe a couple on the weekends and when drinking.
The studies I have found, and from anecdotal evidence the damage was done to the eggs before August 2013 when my AMH was tested at 1.23. That the real damage was done a long time ago, only made worse by my recent relapses, and no hope of healing.
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine states, "Research indicates that cigarette smoking is harmful to a woman’s ovaries, and the degree of harm is dependent upon the amount and the period of time a woman smokes. Smoking appears to accelerate the loss of eggs and reproductive function and may advance the time of menopause by several years. Components in cigarette smoke have been shown to interfere with the ability of cells in the ovary to make estrogen and to cause a woman’s eggs (oocytes) to be more prone to genetic abnormalities."
We are screwed. Never to have a family of our own because I became addicted to nicotine at age 14.
I know this is a bit dramatic. We will have a family, eventually and through creative means. Thankfully technology exists to help overcome my poor choices.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
BFN
Big Fucking Negative.
I found out March 9 and I just didn't even want to write it down. To make it real. But it has been over a week and I am adjusting to the news. I should say we, because it has been really tough for S too. It's a weird feeling, well all of this fertility stuff is weird.
It is just weird to analyze every twitch and pang for ten days, then find out it was all in my head. Every single feeling my body had was thought about, put into context of it working, assigned a "cause" and talked about.
And now, nothing. It was all for nothing. It just didn't work.
Tomorrow I hope to find out more about the why.
But I know what the answer will be, "we don't know." Because as it turns out medical doctors don't know everything. In fact, many times it appears they are just guessing. Educated guessing but still just guessing.
Especially about fertility. They don't know shit! They just throw a bunch of shit against the wall and see what sticks.
I am considering changing doctors. There are so many pros and cons to this, which I feel is a really big decision. The doctor and lab make HUGE differences in IVF treatments.
It is such a delicate and uncertain process having a good doctor and legit lab are mission critical, I feel like more than other types of procedures.
Pros of New Doctor M: fresh set of eyes on the case, different approach, different med protocols that potentially would work better for me, hopefully not have to wait 30 minutes for a damn appointment!
Cons of New Doctor M: Dr. V already knows my V. (LOL) but seriously he knows how I have been responding to the meds, and could make appropriate changes that will help, he has been doing IVF for a long time and it sort of a badass at it. His stats are better than most. And having to start all over since the new dr. will likely want more tests, scans, and probing of my body.
I will make a decision after meeting with Dr. V tomorrow for the consultation. I am open to suggestions about switching doctors or not.
We are going to do another IVF round. We are going to wait until June.
We both need a mental and emotional break, and I need a physical break! I have gotten so fat and lazy! I of course blame the medications. Obvi.
Oh and we bought a new house! WHAT?! That is awesome!! We will be moving in a month since we sold our house BEFORE it was on the market!
I need to remember the house situation when I am lamenting how hard everything is for us. It really isn't I just use that during my pity parties.
So to recap-
1. My uterus is a stubborn bitch!
2. Moving. Boo and YAH!
3. New awesome house in a new town!
4. Taking Breaks!
I found out March 9 and I just didn't even want to write it down. To make it real. But it has been over a week and I am adjusting to the news. I should say we, because it has been really tough for S too. It's a weird feeling, well all of this fertility stuff is weird.
It is just weird to analyze every twitch and pang for ten days, then find out it was all in my head. Every single feeling my body had was thought about, put into context of it working, assigned a "cause" and talked about.
And now, nothing. It was all for nothing. It just didn't work.
Tomorrow I hope to find out more about the why.
But I know what the answer will be, "we don't know." Because as it turns out medical doctors don't know everything. In fact, many times it appears they are just guessing. Educated guessing but still just guessing.
Especially about fertility. They don't know shit! They just throw a bunch of shit against the wall and see what sticks.
I am considering changing doctors. There are so many pros and cons to this, which I feel is a really big decision. The doctor and lab make HUGE differences in IVF treatments.
It is such a delicate and uncertain process having a good doctor and legit lab are mission critical, I feel like more than other types of procedures.
Pros of New Doctor M: fresh set of eyes on the case, different approach, different med protocols that potentially would work better for me, hopefully not have to wait 30 minutes for a damn appointment!
Cons of New Doctor M: Dr. V already knows my V. (LOL) but seriously he knows how I have been responding to the meds, and could make appropriate changes that will help, he has been doing IVF for a long time and it sort of a badass at it. His stats are better than most. And having to start all over since the new dr. will likely want more tests, scans, and probing of my body.
I will make a decision after meeting with Dr. V tomorrow for the consultation. I am open to suggestions about switching doctors or not.
We are going to do another IVF round. We are going to wait until June.
We both need a mental and emotional break, and I need a physical break! I have gotten so fat and lazy! I of course blame the medications. Obvi.
Oh and we bought a new house! WHAT?! That is awesome!! We will be moving in a month since we sold our house BEFORE it was on the market!
I need to remember the house situation when I am lamenting how hard everything is for us. It really isn't I just use that during my pity parties.
So to recap-
1. My uterus is a stubborn bitch!
2. Moving. Boo and YAH!
3. New awesome house in a new town!
4. Taking Breaks!
Monday, March 3, 2014
Dr. Call
I found out today I will take the blood test Sunday! That is both so soon! and foooorrrrr evvvv errrrrr away!
I mentioned to the nurse some cramping I am having today, and while not being overly enthusiastic said that is definitely not a bad sign, and likely a good sign that implantation is occurring right on schedule!
Holy Shit! This is getting real.
Last week-Denial
This week- It could actually be happening
I must talk myself down however, because we don't need a repeat of the last cycle.
I was basically a devastated, sniveling mess for almost 2 weeks. It was 2 weeks before I could get 2 days in a row not crying. And a little longer before it was 3 days in a row. And I felt like shit.
So, we will be preventing that with a little dose of something I call "Reality."
The Reality of the situation is that we have a 40% chance of this working. That is less than half. Reel it in sister!
But it is really cool I am having "implantation cramping." I didn't have that before, we are at least a little bit more successful already!
(Notice I avoid the word pregnancy. This is protection against complete heart break. We are talking in terms of "Was the procedure successful?" and "It was successful, or it wasn't successful")
I mentioned to the nurse some cramping I am having today, and while not being overly enthusiastic said that is definitely not a bad sign, and likely a good sign that implantation is occurring right on schedule!
Holy Shit! This is getting real.
Last week-Denial
This week- It could actually be happening
I must talk myself down however, because we don't need a repeat of the last cycle.
I was basically a devastated, sniveling mess for almost 2 weeks. It was 2 weeks before I could get 2 days in a row not crying. And a little longer before it was 3 days in a row. And I felt like shit.
So, we will be preventing that with a little dose of something I call "Reality."
The Reality of the situation is that we have a 40% chance of this working. That is less than half. Reel it in sister!
But it is really cool I am having "implantation cramping." I didn't have that before, we are at least a little bit more successful already!
(Notice I avoid the word pregnancy. This is protection against complete heart break. We are talking in terms of "Was the procedure successful?" and "It was successful, or it wasn't successful")
Negative Nancy has taken over the world!!!
I haven't felt like writing on here in awhile, and I figured out why. I was in total denial the FET was really happening. I was thinking it would get canceled because my lining wasn't where it should have been during the entire cycle. But turns out doctor just pushed it back.
On Friday, I had my one little fighter transferred! He is a blastocyst, day 6 though they still say it's a day 5. No idea why. He was already starting to hatch when they took his picture early Friday morning. By the time we saw him in real life Friday at 11:30 he had hatched even more. That is a really good sign there is still growth and movement happening! (We didn't get that last time-they had stopped growing we think now)
This weekend I took it really easy, napped a lot, didn't lift anything over 5 pounds, and just relaxed.
This is the timeline of what to expect now:
Since our embryos were frozen on day 5 after the retrieval, here is what our embryos have been up to and will be up to for the next several days (“dpt” stands for “days past transfer”):
- Saturday-1dpt….Blastocyst hatches out of shell
- Sun-2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
- Mon-3dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
- Tues-4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
- Thurs- 5dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
- Fri March 7-6dpt…Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
- Sat-7dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops
- Sun- 8dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops
- Mon, March 10- 9dpt…HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT!!!
I am trying super hard not to analyze every twitch and "symptom" but it is so hard. Since Friday I have had period-like cramps, nausea, serious fatigue, and that's about it. All of those are signs of progesterone. So it really means nothing.......but hey you never know right......
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