WE MADE IT!!!!

We did it! We successfully completed the 28-Day Clean Eating Challenge!




Rachel:

Starting Weight 140.4

Finishing Weight 135.6

=5 POUNDS!



Skie:

Starting Weight 196

Finishing Weight 186

=10 POUNDS!!


This is more weight loss than I really anticipated. I am so impressed with us!

To be totally honest, Saturday we both went a little half-assed at eating clean too. We went to a friend's house for his birthday and they had Pizza Hut. We did each have 2 small slices of pizza. It was the first cheese either of us had in the whole month. It was pretty good in the moment, but you know I could have lived without it.


And eating pizza like that isn't normal for us at anytime, but it was there and it was served for dinner so we did it. We probably won't have pizza like that again for a LONG TIME. We do make homemade pizza, and sometimes will have a Newman's Own thin crust. Both are much better than a pizza hut pizza.


OK, So I want to write a full price breakdown and review.


The products came out to $9 a day for each of us. Then, we spent $168 on groceries. That's $3 a day each.


For a total of $12 on food. That's so cheap! We did have some things already at home, so that cut down on the costs. We started with some frozen meat, but did buy some chicken, fish, and beef during the month. Also, what made it less was Thanksgiving. We didn't include the Thanksgiving meal or really even that whole weekend of food. So if you want to know how much it will cost you, add 3 days into our grocery budget.


We saved a ton of money on: alcohol, coffee, creamer, junk food, eating out, and cigarettes. The cleanse is cheaper for us than regular months. We should probably make some changes going forward.......


Both of us decided to not drink coffee daily. I love it so I will have it on the weekends, and have tea during the week. I didn't like the Arbonne Detox Tea flavor, so I am using Tazo now. S likes the Detox Tea, so he is going to continue drinking it daily.


We both agreed having the shake in the morning is a positive, easy thing to do. I bought more chocolate powder so we can do that every morning for breakfast. S told me he is really bad at eating breakfast usually and he feels SO MUCH when he has something in the morning. He just doesn't always have time to eat, which is why drinking the shake is perfect for him!


Major changes for me are going to include NO CARBS for dinner. We had healthy sloppy joe sliders for dinner last night, and the bread, while delicious, wiped me out! I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30. I haven't fallen asleep on the couch after dinner in over a month. (Not a coincidence!) I think they just make me super sleepy, and rundown feeling at night. It's probably ok during the day in limited quantities but for sure none at dinner time.


We both had some really big challenges during the 28-days, but it feels so good to overcome them! We both feel proud of ourselves and much healthier!


I am going to miss some things about being on the challenge. I will miss the planning we had to do, and having 2 meals already made first thing in the morning. I will also miss the Facebook page. When you sign up for the challenge, you get added to a closed Facebook group and the leader of the group posts multiple times a day with encouragement, suggestions, reasons to stay focused and not cheat, etc. It was a great way to know we weren't alone, and to get motivation! Sometimes I would want to snack on something at work, and would see a post on the group. It really reminded me daily why we committed to this.


I know we will continue down the path of clean eating!

I have the nicest Co-worker.

Randomly a co-worker came to talk to me yesterday. We don't work in the same department, so I rarely see him. But he wanted to ask about the baby-making.

See, this summer when we were doing the latest IVF round I was talking about it and he overheard. I am not shy about anything like this so I shared the plans with him and that if it didn't work we would be moving to foster to adopt.

Five months later, he said he didn't want to bother me but he wanted to check in on me. Then, he started talking about how great it was that I had a goal to be a parent and I wasn't going to let not being pregnant get in the way. He said he thought it was so amazing and admirable that we were wanting to bring a child into our home and that it will be our child, etc. 

He started crying. Seriously, at work this man was talking about my future babies and was crying. It was the sweetest, most touching moment. 

Of course I was crying too. We hugged. It was so sweet. I had the Warm Fuzzies! 

It was great timing for me too. Earlier in the day, I was pretty frustrated with another co-worker. It was just what I needed to restore my faith in the people I am around 40-hours every, single week of my life. 

How much longer do I have to have this job????

The plan is February. I just have to hold on until then! 

Speaking of helping me get out of my job and venture out on my own............

Arbonne products are fantastic, and as your local Arbonne Consultant I can hook you up with some discounts, great skin, and a healthier body!!! Just post a comment below.................

Week Three WHOOPEEE!

Week 3 came to a close on Sunday. Which means the cleanse is over this Sunday. It's a little sad.

We have found a good routine and are in the groove of this whole clean eating and detox thing. It's been so  great! Yes, there were some rough times. Also there have been huge successes and I feel proud of myself for being successful!

I will write a whole re-cap (with costs, etc.) next week when it's officially over.

Week 3 was really great. I actually enjoyed drinking the 7-Day Detox drink. And it made my insides feel fantastic! :)

We both had a lot of energy, and didn't have too much trouble turning down temptations, of which there were many of course! It really feels more natural now to not "graze" or eat "treats" at work. I used to rationalize getting a treat when my co-workers were going to Starbucks. Like this: "I've had a busy week. Yes, I should have a pastry and another cup of coffee 30 minutes after breakfast." Um, NO. That's not cool.

I had a major discovery during Week 3 too! Based on the instructions for the Cleanse I was having a Protein Shake for breakfast and lunch then eating dinner. Well, I failed to consider my crazy work schedule. I am at work 11 hours a day with a 1.5 hour commute which is 12.5 hours away from home!

I was STARVING and a little HANGRY most of the time during weeks 1-2. And I couldn't figure out why when S was doing fine. So I did a little investigation:

9:30 Breakfast to 12:30 Snack: 3 hours
12:30 Snack to 2:30 Lunch: 2 hours
2:30 Lunch to 10:00pm Dinner: 7.5 hours!!!!

Turns out, 7 hours is too long not to eat! DUH!! And I am so busy from 3-8:30 I wasn't even having a snack!
NO WONDER I WAS HANGRY and MISERABLE!

It was such a simple change. I just ate something healthy for lunch (usually S' dinner from the night before) and drank my protein shake for dinner. DUH.

This has been so much more helpful, and I feel like a million bucks! And I have lost more weight the past week and a half than I did at the beginning.

S has lost 9 lbs!! I can see it on his face and waist for sure. He says he can feel my waist is significantly smaller too though I have only lost 3 lbs.

All in All. WINNING! ;)


There will be a Clean Eating Challenge Group starting Jan. 5. Let me know if you are interested in feeling fabulous during the January Doldrums!

Ugh Day 8!

Day 8- Tuesday started off with great promise. It didn't last long.

I got up as usual at 6am to make our shakes. I typically go back to sleep after that but I had a doctor appointment so I had to leave a bit earlier. There wasn't enough time to go back to sleep, and I was awake anyways. I found a pretty good yoga youtube video, and did that for 35 minutes. Then, I even had time to do some laundry!

I was feeling great! Got to the doctor on time, and it started going downhill from there.

I went in to get a mammogram and ultrasound on Righty because of a lump I affectionately call "The Rock."
"The Rock" has been with me since about 2007, he's cool and hasn't changed much. But I get him checked out every few years.

Everything's going fine, no biggie the tech just tries to rip Righty off my body to get it in the damn machine. But fine. (Someone really needs to work on that technology. It sucks!!)

Then, I have to go back for more mammogram pictures because the doctor "saw something concerning" on Lefty. What???? I'm here for the right one thanks. Getting slightly freaked out.

On to Ultrasound.....The tech is pregnant. Not off to a good start. Then she says nonchalantly that she needs to focus on Lefty because the doctor is concerned about some spots. Way to freak me out more!

It was a rough 2.5 hours there, but it turns out everything is fine. They are just lumpy. Which incidentally would reduce if I breastfed. And we know that's not happening.

Since the radiology office was in the same parking lot as my last RE, Dr. M, I planned to go over there and donate leftover medications and syringes. I didn't think much of it.

But suddenly when I was leaving I just started crying. It made me really sad to give up all my medications and syringes. Now my "IVF Bucket" is empty for the first time in over a year.

Actually, almost exactly a year. I had my first IVF Transfer of 2- Day 5 embryos on my birthday last year.

One year later it's done. Over. That's it. So I'm sad today.

And so incredibly grateful my exam results came back normal. So incredibly relieved and thankful.

I was thinking about it all on the drive to work. How I am so blessed, lucky, whatever to be healthy and not have any real medical problems. And also, how the one major thing I have always wanted and took for granted so many years would just happen it the one thing I can't have.

I have so many things to be thankful for this year on Thanksgiving, and so many amazing blessings in my life on my birthday. I really have been given a good life and I am choosing to focus on what I do have and the experiences I have been given instead of focusing on the things I don't have.

I hope you can do the same.

Thanksgiving and Birthday!

I am officially 32. YAH! We didn't do anything for my birthday except prepare for Thursday, though we did get to spend some time with friends who now live out of town. That was fun.

Thanksgiving and the weekend went really well overall! We hosted 9 family members, and S and I cooked everything! WHEW, we were tired. It was all awesome, and not that much was off the Detox diet.

On Diet:
Smoked turkey
Brussel sprouts
Sweet potato casserole (the only thing was the 1/4 cup of sugar)
Green beans w/almonds

Off Diet:
Sausage balls (I only had 1, S had 0)
Mashed red potatoes (Super small servings)
Gouda cheese w/1 cracker (2 small bites)
Red Wine (ok, ok, I had too much of this.............)
Cigarettes (only a couple, but I know still.......)

It looks worse written out. I had it rationalized well in my head! A bigger issue was the next day when we had local BBQ brisket, sausage, ribs, beans, and potato salad. Both of us tried hard to eat significantly less than we usually would, and neither of us got seconds on anything. Overall I give us a B- on maintaining the detox over the holiday. Not so bad.

And we had so much fun celebrating with our family, and then Saturday with friends!! I love the holiday season and am excited about upcoming events!!

We got a Christmas tree on Sunday too. We went to a Christmas tree farm to cut it ourselves! It was pretty cute, but the trees they grow were a little picked over, and too short.

We ended up getting a pre-cut Fraiser Fir from North Carolina. Still better that we bought local than from Lowe's........

As of Monday we are back on the detox 100% and feeling GREAT!

Day 7

Happy to report Day 7 was easy. No cravings, no problems, just feeling good.
I noticed I had more energy in the evening when I got home from work, which was nice since we have so much to do before Thursday-Thanksgiving!!!

Also, my birthday is Wednesday. I keep forgetting and having to remind myself. The b-day is not a big deal to me usually but at least I remember......

This should be a good excuse to fall back on if I forget anyone else's birthday. I can't even remember my own, much less anyone else's!!!

Dinner last night was particularly tasty. We discovered awhile back this brand called Red Fork that makes pouches of sauce. We like the Sloppy Joe version. Then we found a sauce for asparagus, and chicken!  So last night we had:
 Red Fork Lemon Herb Asparagus Seasoning Sauce on Asparagus
Red Fork Tomato Olive Skillet Sauce on Chicken

So good, so easy, and other than having more sodium than we usually eat they are very "Clean" products! Check them out!

Weekend 1- Days 4-6

Well you win some and you lose some. We have been doing so good eating exactly on the plan and only what's on the plan. In fact, a couple of days I didn't even make it to 1200 calories and didn't really feel hungry.

Last night (Sunday) was the first weigh in. I lost 1 lb. (then it was back Monday morning) and S has lost 2 lbs. That's it. I really don't feel upset or disappointed by that. I am loving eating all the clean food, staying away from all the processed crap and drinking 2 meals a day. I actually like it.

But. What happened was.........we decided to have a little cheat day on Saturday night. We drank some beers. And maybe had a couple cigarettes. I know, I know. We shouldn't have.

It was so easy to rationalize the choice, and we were both miserable after working all week, not smoking, and not eating any junk food. My brain was PISSED! I could feel it, my dopamine and serotonin levels were at an all time low, I was just an addict without their drug. Unfortunately, after the first cigarette I felt all the way back to "normal." It's bad. I'm an addict (nicotine, not the beer). I didn't "need" a beer the way I "needed" the smoke.

I know I can quit though. I have done it before, and I can do it again. I just have to be strong. We got right back on track Sunday, and don't plan on smoking again. It's just back to keeping focused on the goal.

I am terrible at blogging over the weekends. I don't really have a computer at home, just a tablet. The blog doesn't work well on it. So I also did not succeed in my goal to blog for 30 days straight. But hey-No one is perfect. Right???

We have had some great dinners though. I want to write them down here so next time we do this I will remember!

Friday Dinner- Spaghetti Squash with Organic Red Sauce and grilled onions and garlic. YUMMY!!!

Saturday Dinner- Baked Cauliflower and leftover spaghetti squash. The Cauliflower was awesome! We bought 2 more at the store yesterday, we liked it so much!

Sunday Dinner/Lunch- We only had one protein shake Sunday because we were out most of the day. We ate a Chipolte. It was pretty good. We both had the salad bowl, with grilled veggies, meat, red salsa, and guacamole. And halfway through the bowl we were full! So we had dinner too! On diet-and delicious, and cheap!

I Hit a Wall- Also Known as Day 3.

Day 3-Wednesday.

Why is it not Thursday (the end of my work week)??????
I just want to be in my bed.......
I hate this......it's stupid/I'm quitting/and every variation of that sentiment

Those were my thoughts most of Day 3. By far THE WORST DAY! I was so miserable all day. For several reasons.

First, I am tired. My body had become quite accustomed to the arsenal of stimulants I provided regularly. Coffee, Cigarettes, Sugar on regular dosing intervals. I was never without a stimulant.

Now I have NONE. And my body continues to let me know via headaches, grumpiness, general un-comfortableness, and tiredness.

Second, I am constipated.
(Disclaimer: This paragraph is going to be full of TMI. Skip if you can't handle it)
I am open about talking about my poop, and other people's for that matter. It's an important part of our functioning health. Anyways, I haven't had a legitimate #2 since Sunday!  It has been incredibly painful. My stomach is very loud, letting me and everyone else know what's up.
We both drank some Traditional Medicinals Smooth Moves Tea  (if you are ever constipated or just not regular, this stuff is amazing!!)Tuesday night. It worked for S (of course) but not for me.

Third, I have cravings! For coffee, sugar, and nicotine! All the time! The cigarette craving was particularly strong. For about 12 hours. It was rough. Luckily the Husband is a rock, and helped me through it!

I took a bath after work to help me relax, and it helped.

Dinner was pretty good, or I was just happy to be eating solid food....
Baked chicken with garlic and onion
Romaine Lettuce
Black Beans
Brown Rice
Salsa
Mix it all together for a yummy salad bowl a la Chipolte.

Our Day 3 Smoothie- 
(Tip: Keep the smoothies simple, Day 2's smoothie just had too much going on to be good!)
8 scoops (4 "meals") Arbonne Chocolate protein powder
2 scoops fiber
2 scoops Greens Balance
Coconut milk
Water
Ice

Snacks-
S: Avocado, unsalted mixed nuts
R: Carrots/Hummus (I should have had more calories today, but didn't because my stomach hurt so bad)

Why?

I have been asked several times recently "Why do you need to detox?" Or "What's the Point of it."

I think those are very valid and important questions, I want to answer with my own story.

This summer when preparing for what we knew would be our last IVF, I wanted to EVERY THING possible to give my body the best chance. Which is how I discovered the first cleanse program I have done.

I was totally skeptical at first. I told my Dr. Friend who first talked to me about it that my big plan was to just eat "super healthy" and that would do the trick. She used some doctor reasoning on me that made me understand that eating "super healthy" (whatever that means BTW) wasn't going to be enough to repair the damage my years of unhealthy eating and exposure to toxins. She explained that most American's gut's are badly damaged and leaky. Gross. But she is right.

I started thinking about it, and reading up more on the Gut-Brain Connection. I knew about this already, but I didn't realize the importance of the Gut in reproduction. In retrospect, it seems a bit obvious. I had just never thought of my gut health being so critical to the success of IVF.

Did you know there is more Serotonin in your gut than in your brain? Serotonin is a super important "Feel good chemical" that we mostly associate with our brains, but there really is more in the gut. Just one reason having a happy gut is vital to our well being.

So I was convinced. I did her 6 week leaky gut repair cleanse and it was so hard, amazing, challenging, fun and amazing! There were some days that were TERRIBLE, but at the end I noticed some significant changes.

I noticed that after 2 years of taking pre-natal vitamins I FINALLY understood they do make my hair, skin, and nails so much prettier and faster growing. It seems my body was in such a state of disrepair all those years, I wasn't absorbing all the nutrients in my food and vitamins. I also had more energy, not caffeine generated, had less stomach trouble, quit smoking and was just more focused overall.

Obviously IVF still didn't work. But the cleanse was still worth it. That is part of why I decided to do it again with the Arbonne products. I need another "Reset" after the chemicals of IVF, the 10 pounds I gained during and the excessive eating of my feelings afterwards.

I binged on food, cigarettes, coffee, and beer for the last 2 months. I think I have felt all the feelings, grieved the pain, and I am looking forward to moving forward. :) This cleanse will help me push the Reset Button on my body, my mind, and my soul.

2 Down- 26 to go!!

Still going strong more than halfway into day 2!

Eventful Notes about last night:
A friend of mine got a job yesterday, and wanted me to meet her at the bar to celebrate. I had a moment of weakness, texted S to see if he was in, and then thought better of it. S was not pleased. He was pretty grumpy in general yesterday, so that just really pissed him off. OOPS......

And my friend apologized for tempting me, after of course she begged me to go! "Support" people- learn what it means :)

Last Night's Dinner:
Baked Mahi Mahi- 15min. with lemon and dill
Steamed broccoli- with lemon and pepper
Raw Spinach- with olive oil, lemon, and pepper dressing

S got his plate, looked down, looked up at me dramatically and said "Great, it's all green with lemon."
I laughed.
Couldn't help it. He was so downtrodden and sad looking and so dang dramatic!
He was really actually grumpy though, so I stifled the laugh and said something encouraging/supportive.

I liked dinner, thought it wasn't that far off from other meals we eat.

I had a surprising amount of energy too. I did dishes, cleaned up around the house, and didn't watch too much TV before heading to bed.

So far today (it's 4:37pm):
I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired earlier this afternoon. I started falling asleep reading a book on my computer at work. though it could have been because Tuesday's are the sloooowwwwwest days ever at work. Either way- I was tired. But I went "to lunch" with some coworkers, we went shopping and I perked right back up.

Tuesday Smoothie (b-fast and lunch)-
Vanilla protein powder
Fiber powder
Green Balance
Spinach
Frozen blueberries, strawberries, and raspberries
Unsweetened coconut milk

Reviews: Not super good. I say it tastes too powder-y. S says it's too berry-ie.
Tomorrow's plan: Straight up protein powder and either coconut milk or water.

I'll keep you posted, I'm sure everyone is on the edge of their seat waiting for the news..................
:)

Day 1

Day 1 of the 28-Day Arbonne Clean Eating Challenge is here!!!! And I'm halfway through the day already!

I think the hardest part of this challenge is going to be getting up at 6am to make S' smoothies! I usually don't wake up until 7:30, but he really needs help getting out of the house so early so I have agreed to make our breakfast and lunch shakes at 6 am! Today I went back to sleep, but tomorrow the goal is to actually utilize the time being awake to workout!

I feel confused on where to start with a new exercise plan. I am a "Class" kind of exerciser. I used to love going to Body Pump, Yoga, and the Kickboxing class at the gym. My current schedule  and living in the country doesn't really work with the gym's schedule. Then, I was running/walking around the neighborhood which was perfect. But it is way, way too cold for that!

Now what do I do? I will try to find a You Tube video (though I haven't had success with that in the past.....) and/or lift weights in the Man Cave. We will just have to wait and see how it goes.....

But back to today......
This morning I made S and I smoothies for breakfast and lunch! The recipe is so easy.....
4 scoops Chocolate protein powder
2 scoops Fiber powder
2 scoops Greens Balance
Coconut Milk (unsweetened)
3 spoonful's Almond Butter
1 banana (should have added another banana.....)
Ice

That's it.......

Now it's 1pm and I am having a Digestion Plus and Fizz Stick in my water, with a handful of mixed unsalted nuts (almonds, pumpkin seeds, cashews, pecans, pistachios). And I am not hungry!

Surprisingly, I haven't had an cigarette cravings either. Usually by this time of the day I have already had 2 and getting ready for 2 more on my lunch break. But I'm good.
Fingers Crossed this feeling continuities!

For Lunch (at 2:30) I am going to have an avocado, and the same protein shake I had for breakfast.

If I need a snack before my 6:30 counseling group, I will have either more nuts or an apple.

For Dinner (at 9:30pm) :( We will have baked Mahi-Mahi on a bed of spinach, onion, tomato, and bell peppers with olive oil and lemon dressing. Sounds yumm to me! And it isn't that different from a "normal" meal for us. We would have just used store bought salad dressing instead of olive oil and lemon.

A note about prepping: I went to Costco Friday to stock up. I spent $150! That's so cheap for 2 of us, and it will last 2 weeks! And I bought 3 bottles of wine for Thanksgiving! Then, I spent $20 on grass-fed beef and some organic Kale at the local store. I have to go to the grocery store today for a few things, and it will likely cost me $20. Not spending any more on groceries than usual, and saving money on booze and junk food!
Last night we also weighed ourselves and took some measurements. Not either of our proudest moments.......We *might* share when this is over............

In the Meantime

Since the being parents thing is on hold for now, I have been wanting to focus on my health.

I gained about 10 pounds during the last IVF cycle and I need to get them off me!! I also (super embarrassingly) started smoking again. I promised myself I wouldn't go back after this last time of quitting for about 2 months. Then, when the negative bomb drops- it happened.

I realize I have to stop with the sugar and cigarette addictions! I need to be a healthy, strong parent for my future kiddos. 

I have discovered Arbonne Nutrition Products. I have heard of Arbonne before, but I went to one of those horrible "parties" where they hard sell you while pretending it's just a "girls night." I had a negative viewpoint after that.

What I didn't realize was that they have a ton of awesome nutrition stuff! S and I decided to do their 30-day Clean Eating Challenge starting on Nov. 17!!

It's very similar to the 6-week one I did back in July. It's supplements such as protein powders and fiber powder, etc. You drink a protein/fiber smoothie for breakfast and lunch with some healthy snacks in between. Then you eat a regular dinner. Well, regular in that it's whole foods, minimal meat, no dairy, no soy, nothing artificial, no fats, etc. 

I am excited to get back to feeling awesome in my body again! I felt so great after the last cleanse, I want that back! 

This time I am going to take Before and After pics, and write down my measurements to see the difference. I hope this will help me to set the "reset" button and go back to my healthier ways! 

If anyone wants to do it with us, please do! I will create a Facebook group so we can support each other and share recipes! Let me know if you are interested! 

Fost/Adopt

This has always been about a quest to be parents, and for us adoption has always been on the table. Initially when we were blissfully naive about our child-making capacity we thought we would have a bio-kid, then adopt later down the road.

Someone had different plans for us. It looks like Baby 1 and 2 will be foster kids that we get to adopt.

We have some good friends in good places that have been advising us on how to proceed. First, we got with an agency that works with the state CPS department to place kids. Second, we started on the massive pile of ridiculous paperwork. Started it in October, still not done!

We are in somewhat of a holding pattern because they do the training once a quarter and we couldn't make the October one. We didn't go because of my job, which means I have to make a job change! ASAP!

The next training is in January, and with my current job duties I cannot miss 2 nights a week to attend the training. I have been working on transitioning into private practice since September.

It's a much slower process to get approved for insurance panels than I thought. Given the population in my community, accepting insurance is crucial. It takes about 3 months to get approved. So that's on hold-ish for now.

In the meantime, we have started the application paperwork. They want a ton of details, names, salaries from every job ever. It's intense. We have been going slowly through that.

January is the next big focus! We can start training, and possibly be able to help a baby/child that needs a home by April-May.

2015 is going to be my year!
Just have to get through the holidays.......................

It's Been Awhile

I decided not to blog through my last round of IVF. I had all the feels, like all the time. *SPOILER ALERT: It didn't work= Not Pregnant)

I had so very many conflicting feelings. I was excited and hopeful then suddenly I would be detached and scared and defeatist. Luckily I really didn't have many drug induced mood swings, I had my own thoughts and feelings to provide that.

The protocol we used this time was awesome though! I was only on injectibles 2.5 weeks (vs. 4 weeks last time). I responded so well to not-Lupron and BCP. Those drugs just don't work for me!

My follicles looked good, we got 7 legit eggs out of the deal. Then, a day-3 transfer of the 4 embryos that made it that long. I know you might be saying "HOLY SHIT 4 EMBRYOS! AT ONCE!" Yeah we were surprised too. The limit is 2 for someone in my age group. Or so I thought.

Turns out, if they are Grade "Super-Duper Crappy Embryos" like ours were, they can transfer 4. Which is only appropriate because I called this the "Hail Mary" cycle anyways. And so it was.

None stuck. Probably at all. I got to be pretend pregnant for 2 weeks. Then it was over.

We are moving onward and upward in life!

Next up, Foster/Adopt.

Insurance Woes

Oh insurance companies. You are the bane of my existence!

I am extremely happy and thankful to have good insurance through my husband's job. I never forget that.

Also, being on my own insurance which is abysmal makes it so damn difficult! I received 2 sets of some of the medications because my job covers some of the pills but not the injectables. In trying to figure out what happened and get my money back, I spent over an hour on the phone (at this point, still on hold.....) and spoke with 9 people, and waiting on the 10th to answer the phone.

They will hopefully take the medications back, and refund my $73.50. I can't believe I have to deal with all this for a measly $73.50! But hey, it's $73.50 and the insurance company will give me tons of shit for not taking care of it.

I have also noticed how I am treated differently, and the quality of the representatives at "mail-order pharmacy" for the different companies the insurance is through.

For example, when I call the Hubs' Insurance line at "mail-order pharmacy" there are virtually no wait times, I get a nice, very competent rep who asks me appropriate questions, pronounces medications correctly, and makes sure I am satisfied with the results.

When I call my insurance line at "mail-order pharmacy", I wait for about 15-20 on hold. Then, the rep. is confused, tries to transfer me within the first 2 minutes, says they can't do this or that, and then cannot pronounce the names of medications. But just the very uncommon ones like "hydrocodone." Seriously. I corrected her 3 times. It's phonetic.

That's just when I call the "mail-order pharmacy" line. The difference in customer care when I call the actual insurance company is HUGE. And when I try to use it at a doctor office. I get looked down upon and not treated very nicely when I just have my insurance, as if they are begrudgingly accepting me.
When I pull out the Hubs' insurance they rollllllll out the red carpet. I get "ma'am" and "yes, please. Thank you, are you satisfied" and they kiss my ass. It's nice, but not fair.

It makes me think about people who have worse insurance than my job gives us. I work for the County government, too. I happen to know that people who have more blue collar employers (ie Wal-Mart) and actually have their insurance get treated like crap. I had a client a very long time ago who worked at Wal-Mart, had their insurance, and actually tried to use it. What a joke! She would have been better off not having insurance so she could use the self-pay clinics. No kidding.

This is a serious issue that I am tired of dealing with! Why do we continue to stratify our population, and separate the "have's" from the "have-not's?"

This was not going to be a political rant, it just happened...................

Off the phone now!!!!
Total time on the phone with the "mail-order pharmacy": 1 hr. 4 min. and 57 secs.
Reps talked to: 9
Supervisors talked to: 1
Issue resolved: YES!!!!! I will be getting my $73.50 back!
Amazing Service Reps: 1, she gave me her number and stayed on the line with me through 4 transfers! So helpful and nice. Guess which insurance she comes from...................

IVF Round 2

My medications have arrived!

It's a weird feeling spending $3,322.23 and then it arrives looking like this.

S says "that sure doesn't look like 3 grand! I expected more."
And I'm like "Um.....more meds means more pain for me....."
He didn't mean it that way, I hope........

This cycle I am doing things differently as I have mentioned before. I hope something works, and it doesn't cost more than last time!

Things I am doing this time:
Meditating/Visualizing daily (free)
Acupuncture, first visit is Saturday ($75)
Acupuncture day of transfer ($50)
Massage half-way through ($45)
Tons of Vitamins (approx. $200)
Only organic food, low-carb, high-protein diet (increase of about $50 a month)
Retrieval (296.06)
Transfer (190.46)
Lab Fees (??? Last time it was almost $4000)
Other doctor fees (??? Last time it was almost $300)

Total- Approx: $8,528.75

HOLY SHIT! That is A LOT of money! But cheaper than last time! And WAAAAAYYYY cheaper than people who don't have insurance! We are really lucky S' work has good benefits!

After this cycle though our $20,000 fertility benefit is DONE, exhausted. They are kind enough to offer us a $21,000 benefit for "Centers of Excellence" which is a clinic they approve. However, the stats at the nearest clinic, 3 hours away, are not good! Their lab has terrible results, and the embryologist (ie the most important guy in the room) is not highly rated. Gee- thanks for that..............


Also, I forget about the frozen embryo's. I have in my head this is our last chance at a bio baby, but really it's not. We could have between 1-3 fro-babies to transfer in the future. That's a nice thought.......

I still think if it doesn't work (which I am not focusing on....) than we (I) will start the foster-adopt paperwork.

Frozen transfers really don't have the best success rates and it's $2500 a transfer. And the meds....GROSS!!

What all this means to you: I will not be hanging out with you(unless you come to my house) until around the first week of September. Also, we are poor.

:)

Canada, Eh

We had so much fun in Canada! We saw 3 days of amazing bands, many of which were on my "band bucket list."
It was gorgeous there in Pemberton, a valley nestled between so many huge mountains. There was snow! And it wasn't that far away from where we were. We got to hang out with a cousin, and meet so many new friends!
It felt like this was a bit of a "Babymoon" for us. Then I thought about it and realized we have had like 3 of those......first was Vegas in 2012, not long after starting to try. Then, San Diego later in 2012, because you know it was probably going to happen that month. And then Wisconsin in 2013, and now Canada 2014. Well I am lucky to take so many vacations pre-kids. Silver Lining?

And now I am in IVF-prep mode. I forgot/blocked from memory the huge pain in the ass (literally) IVF is. I have been on the phone for about 3 hours this week. Not kidding. It takes forever to get one clinic to send information to the new clinic, that was 4 phone calls, voicemails, returning calls, holding etc
Then, I was on the phone with the mail-order pharmacy for an HOUR. One call, 5 different people, and one annoying automated menu later, I will "hopefully, maybe if things go right" have my medications in time. Luckily I gave myself 4 days of wiggle room. I know how this works, they wait until the last minute but my Type-Aness will not stand for that!
I told them I started injections Aug. 8. In reality it will be closer to August 13. No big deal to them, huge stress reliever for me. Last time I got my medications delivered about 30 minutes before my first dose was scheduled. We are NOT having that again.

I am back to the uber-planning ahead of IVF too. As in, yes I would love to go see the fam. in late August. Oh wait- I could, maybe, potentially have a retrieval or transfer around that time. And even if I don't I could be too fat/tired/overstimulated to move off my couch. So no plans for me until Christmas. Because you never know.

I am doing much better this time around in taking care of my body and prepping. I did the cleanse, and I still take the supplements along with my regular ones (Vit. E, D, DHEA, CoQ10, and the prenatal). My friend says I have expensive pee. She's probably right. But better safe than sorry! I have plans to start meditating daily about the outcome I want. I can't decide to meditate on implantation, pregnancy, or having an actual take home baby......Open to suggestions on that one.

 I am also getting on "the wagon" this week, as in no more drinking until after the 2 week wait. Then I will either get super-drunk or stay on the wagon for a year! I have scheduled my first acupuncture appointment for next Friday. And I will have it hopefully again during the cycle, but for sure the day of transfer. S isn't a huge fan, and doesn't really believe in it. I do though, and I have read several studies supporting it's usefulness during IVF. Since this is our last shot at IVF, I'm pulling out all the stops! Eating well, light exercise, acupuncture, and massage have shown some slight benefit so it's happening.

I have some anxiety about my first ultrasound too. We are not doing BCP this time, and "going in hot" as my doctor says. Which is good since I am a "poor responder" but it could leave me with a cyst. In which case my cycle will be cancelled. That would lame.

Fingers Crossed everything goes well!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Whew! I can stop and breathe finally!

Changes from A-Z in no particular order……….

A-M) We MOVED! To the COUNTRY! It’s AMAZING!

N) I am having surgery in a week in preparation for IVF in September

O) We are going on Vacation to CANADA in 2 weeks! And we just decided yesterday!

P) My grandma got really sick and was in ICU for a few days

Q) My mom was sick and in the hospital a day

R) Both are better and at their respective homes recovering

S) I have been doing a 6 WEEK(!) Cleanse! And it’s almost over!

I was going to go to Z but that was exhausting enough!

The quest for baby has been in a little bit of a holding pattern while we moved, made some big decisions, and marinated on those decisions. There has been progress just not the “reportable to the internet masses” type of progress.

But I MUST write about the Cleanse* I did/am doing.

It is from a company called Apex Energetics and it’s called the “Repair and Clear Program.” There are 3 phases over a 6-week period.

Week 1- Baseline Immune System Support: I OWNED this part! It was a great week of eat what I want, and take a lot of supplements that taste yummy.  The supplements are all delicious for this part.  It took me a couple days to get used to taking 5 things twice a day. I was getting up in “just enough” time to get ready and get to work, so I just started getting up 5 minutes earlier. It actually helped me get to work more consistently on time, added bonus. I felt like I had more energy this week, but no other changes.

Week 2 and 3-Intestinal Support Phase: Now things start to get a little tricky.....all of the sudden I was cut off! No Caffeine, Sugar, Grains, Gluten, Dairy, Alcohol, all things processed, and all things delicious. Ok, I *might* be slightly dramatic……

The main things that changed for me was coffee (I only drank 1.5 cups a day anyways), and rice. Turns out I missed rice way more than it missed me. These 2 weeks have 6 supplements twice a day, 3 liquid, 1 powder, 2 vitamin pills and 2 probiotic pills. The powder for this part, Repairvite, was NOT delicious. It was weird though after like 9 days I liked it. I feel like my taste buds abandoned me.

There were some seriously HANGRY moments for the first few days of this. I woke up on day 3 of this phase and I would have sworn I was getting strep throat. My lymph nodes in my neck were swollen and hurt really bad. I was coughing; feeling low, no energy, grumpy, and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I think my body was really and truly detoxing. It took forever!

Day 6 I was at home alone all day. Not such a good idea. I had nothing to eat, I was bored, restless, hungry, and crawling out of my skin. I texted with my friend and Support Person (SP) (Couldn’t have done this without her!) and then went for a run. It was GLORIOUS! It was exactly what I needed. I was no longer hungry, bored, or restless. And my lymph nodes quit hurting by the next morning.

That’s when my SP shared the super awesome “Cleanse Cheats” that saved my life. They weren’t even technically illegal making them all the better. Terra Chips, Avocado, Kombucha, Zevia. The meal/snacks made me so ridiculously happy.

Terra chips are just baked root veggies and salt. Yeah and they rock. Put a little homemade guacamole (no tomatoes on the Cleanse) on them and AH-MAZING!

I have historically not been a Kombucha fan. I try it every few months hoping to like it, but so far no dice. I gave it another shot and tried a Cranberry flavor. I haven’t decided if I liked it because of the flavor, or because for once the Kombucha had no “competition” with other sugars and flavors……Food for thought.

Zevia is not something I would ordinarily consume. It is soda, but “All natural”- No sugar, artificial things, etc. It is sweetened with Stevia. I drank the Ginger Root Beer and Cream Soda the most because they were delicious and no caffeine. (Costco has the variety pack) When I am off the Cleanse I want to try the caffeinated one which is just regular soda.

I LOVED my “treats.” I wouldn’t have made it without them. And now I have a visceral, affective understanding of how dopamine and serotonin work in the brain. I could feel the chemicals in my brain release when I had the thought of “cheating.” It wasn’t really cheating, but my brain thought it was so it worked.

I did have a couple for real cheats during these 2 weeks. We had kickball playoffs so I had a few beers with the team. I think there was another day I had a couple drinks too. Anyways, other than that I was on point! I had more energy, felt awesome in the tummy department, and didn’t even miss anything, I really found a groove!

Week 4-First week of Liver Support Phase: ENTER RICE AND BEANS!! YES! My life is complete! I can have all the rice and beans I want, and I basically ate them at every meal. It was glorious. Turns out I eat very similar to this on a regular basis. So no big deal!

Week 5-Second week of Liver Support Phase: FML! NO MEAT! I was compensating for the lack of rice/beans/variety in my diet the first few weeks by eating more meat. I usually don’t eat meat at every meal, usually once a day at dinner. They took my meat away, and I rebelled. I did not do so hot this week. There was some meat happening……..Just fish though….that is a little better right??? Right??? Validate me?????

Week 6- Third and FINAL WEEK!: Yeah I’m over it.

Seriously I had a serious cheat day/weekend at the beginning of the week. But, in my defense we had a swim party at the new house and my close friend made Pasta Salad. It’s so good, it’s famous. It would have been rude to not eat it. (I could keep the rationalizations going if you want……) But for real, I think I hit a wall of just being over it. I have not been craving caffeine at all during this until yesterday. 3 days into week 6. (I just had a little tiny cup of coffee and no dairy)

I had a lots of extra stressors the past week or so; I have been emotionally and physically tired. This probably has less to do with the Cleanse, and more to do with life. I have noticed I went from taking a Zertec-D every single day to none during this time and I have not had allergy problems at all! People are suffering from mold, and some sort of dust that is blowing in from the Gulf. I have no symptoms! Seriously I am the allergy queen! It is so liberating!!!!! Also in TMI news- my BM’s have been awesome! But I won’t gross you out with the deets on that.

I struggle sometimes with being a perfectionist, so I was disappointed in the times that I cheated. It did make me feel better that my SP (who was doing it too but a week ahead of me) also had some cheats. I feel good about how I am going so far, and I have 4 days left!!!!! Home stretch!!!

Overall, I think doing the Cleanse has been a very positive thing. I was forced to take an honest look at the foods/drinks I craved and figure out what was going on. Food/eating is an enormous comfort and endorphin releasing thing/event to me. I also lost a few pounds, and learned I can have some self-control.

I really and truly could not have done it without my husband. He took over grocery shopping and cooking for me. He even ate what I ate for dinners. He took such care to not eat anything in front of me I couldn’t eat, and made sure I had lunches for work. There were multiple times I wanted to cheat, but he pushed me back on track and made me remember my commitment to the Cleanse. It made me appreciate and love him even more than I already did (which I didn’t think was possible!)

I also couldn’t have done it without my friend and SP. We texted almost daily the entire time, I really felt she encouraged me and gave me creative ideas to make it work and work well. I don’t know what I would have done without Terra chips and Zevia!

I wanted to do the Cleanse to prepare my body for the assault of medications that is about to come. I feel “cleaned out” and ready to go! Bring it IVF! J

If you are still reading this, you probably need a hobby. But if you are interested in the Cleanse let me know, I can hook you up! 

More From RESOLVE

I posted the other article, then found this one which I like a little better:

The Top Ten Things I Learned About Infertility

By Susan Bisno Massel
Published in Resolve, for the journey and beyond, Summer 2013

After three years, I am stepping aside as the leader of the Chicago Northside Fertility Support Group—a group I deliberately called a Fertility Support Group (vs. Infertility) to focus on the positive side of this journey.

I looked into being a volunteer host after my son was born because I felt like a bit of a fraud when I hung out with other new moms. To them, I was just another lady with a baby. But, of course, there is so much more to our story than that. I see now that leading the group was a way for me to support other women struggling with infertility and also a way for me to find closure and move on to the next stage in my life. For me, after a five year struggle, nine months wasn’t nearly long enough to move from infertility to motherhood. Having a child doesn’t erase infertility; much as arriving at a destination doesn’t eliminate the journey.  

In saying goodbye to the women in our group, I put together this Top Ten List, to share what we all know, but sometimes can’t find the words to say. Our group will continue; a new host will guide the group to keep listening, laughing, and traveling this road. Good luck, everyone. If you’ve had success and have your miracle child, or if you are still on your journey, think about volunteering as a RESOLVE leader. It may be just what you need to help others, and in the end, help yourself too.

Top Ten Things I Learned About Infertility (from a retiring volunteer support group leader)

1. Infertility is linear...you don’t know how you’re going feel about any treatment or any part of it until you get there.  One minute you may say “no way” to IVF, and then you find yourself giving yourself shots and counting follicles!
2. Men (husbands/partners) do care, and they will be great fathers. But, in my experience, I’ve noticed that their highs are not as high nor are their lows as low on the path to parenthood. Most of them are able to picture life without children without tears coming to their eyes and can easily see how life with more money and no children can be a viable version of a happy ending. I don’t completely buy the conventional explanation of “it’s not happening to their body.” I think it’s more that many of them are Cubs fans and are used to painful disappointment for the team they love.
3. There’s no dipping your toe into the infertility world. You’re either underwater or by the side of the pool.
4. You cannot understand this until you go through it. Period.
5. Pick a few people to talk to this about, and then forgive them if they ask you how it’s going when you don’t want to talk about it. Letting people in and talking about this pain can really ease the burden, but once they’re in, they’re in -- no two ways about it.
6. Baby showers, baby pictures, hearing moms complain about their kids -- these are all things that can, and probably should, be removed from your life for the time being.  
7. Jealousy and intense dislike (I intensely dislike the word hate) are a natural part of the human rainbow of emotions. Feel them, forgive yourself, and move on.
8. It’s likely that not all relationships in your life will survive infertility. Friends who get pregnant while you can’t may be casualties. It happens.
9. Have talking points when you go to Christmas dinner....or just out for coffee. When people ask if you have kids or if you plan to, have something ready to say, so you don’t have to think on your feet.  Mine were: “It doesn’t look like it’s in the cards for us.” That seemed to make people feel a little bad for asking (which I have to admit I wanted) and let folks know we’d tried, which, for some reason, I also wanted.
10. Nothing stresses a woman out more than being told to relax. This is not your fault.  

Susan Bisno Massel lives in Chicago with her husband and son.  She works in public relations for the City of Chicago and also volunteered for RESOLVE by leading a support group for three years. 

http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/the-top-ten-things-i-learned-about-infertility.html

Infertility Awareness Week

From the RESOLVE Website: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

It's lengthy, but a very important read. I am likely not the only person you know with infertility. 1 in 8 people! 1 in 8!!!!!

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

• They will eventually conceive a baby.
• They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
• They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is a method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lessen the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Happy Anniversary!

Last Monday we celebrated 2 years of being married! What an awesome feeling!
We took the day off, and were going to do something fun and outside but then it rained and was stupid cold! So we watched a movie, went to see our new house, and drove around our new towns :) Lots of fun and just spending time together.

I love our anniversary, it reminds me of our amazing wedding! Celebrating with friends and family, and focusing on us and our relationship.

It also means that our 2 year anniversary of trying to have a kid is next week. And that makes me sad.

AF came over the weekend and I had a small pity party about not being pregnant, and the fact that my SIL is pregnant. And she is pregnant under the worst circumstances, which is not my story to tell. But it is infuriating!!

I was feeling sad about the infertility thing, but quickly reminded myself of all the amazing things I have going in my life.

My husband is awesome! Seriously, he is the most awesome person I have ever met before! (And yes, he infuriates me sometimes, but he is still the best)

We are moving to an awesome new house!!!! Seriously, it's amazing. I can't believe it is going to be our house. It is everything I could ever imagine or want. Seriously. Amazing.

And I have so many great people in my life. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when so many things are go great......

Saturday is MOVING DAY!!!!!!!!

Dr. Upgrade

I saw a new doctor yesterday.
It feels a bit like cheating on Dr. V. When I called for my records, I was nervous and assured my nurse I would most likely be back that I just wanted a second opinion.
But now I like the new guy. He is younger, which is not always a positive thing but in this case it is because he is trying newer protocols.

Appointment day:
2pm- Leave work to go get records from old doctor.
2:45pm- Arrive at new doctor office (appt. at 3)
WAIT 48 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3:50- Meet new doctor M.

(I was LIVID I had to wait that long! I told the nurses at one point if he didn't see me in 10 minutes I was leaving. This was not an empty threat. They made it happen.)

He did apologize profusely for running late (language barrier with another patient) and he assured me he could be thorough and quick.

He obviously didn't have time to review my records before I got there, since the other clinic procrastintated in getting them faxed so that I had to go pick them up, but he handled it well.

We discussed what Dr. V told me and his recommendations. He reviewed my stim sheet, and indicated places he would have made changes.

He asked the same questions I asked Dr. V at the time! I liked that!!!

He discussed how much he respects Dr. V, then qualified it with "I respect him like I respect my father. They are the same age." Passive aggressive dig much?

His office overlooks the nursing home my mother-in-law was in up until we brought her home in the last month of her life. This might be a good sign- like she is sending me positive energy. Or it might be a bad sign because that place gave her and I the creeps!

He suggested a new protocol that basically "all the young doctors are doing these days." Apparently old doctor's protocols are a bit outdated. I am typically not an "early adopter" of new things, but in this case it could really help.

I, of course, have researched his suggestion and the old doctor's suggestion and have concluded that his protocol is likely to have positive benefits for me.

I am nervous because it is not as thoroughly studied as the "old school" approaches.

I believe in Albert Einstein and "doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results is the definition of insanity."
(Turns out he probably didn't actually say that but people attribute it to him. I will go with the flow of pop culture on this one)

But seriously, why not try a different approach. I really don't have anything to lose. I already don't have a kid and have "lost" 3 embryos. The only real serious risk is that because I have diminished ovarian reserve, my eggs are on borrowed time. The alternative to this is not something I am willing to discuss or entertain at this stage in the game.

The surface level things I have read thus far indicate this protocol is recommended in cases such as ours. The rates are better, and good eggs are retrieved.

He also gave me the option to do a hysteroscopy. This is a procedure where they double check the uterus for growths, scar tissue, and anything that could be chillin in there and blocking my embaby from sticking.

I am leaning towards doing it, because
A) the cost goes towards my deductible which we will exceed this year anyways.
B) It doesn't count towards my lifetime max infertility benefit.
C) Worst case they don't find anything and I have the peace of mind that the old girl is a fully functioning habitat to incubate a baby.
D) Best case they find something, remove it, and the old girl becomes a functioning habitat to incubate a baby.

I got no reasons to NOT do it. (Please if you see something I don't, let me know!)

Because we are moving in April (Cross your fingers that happens.......) We will do the hysteroscopy beginning of May.

Cycle starts with birth control at the end of May/beginning of June and we go from there. Potentially putting retrieval around the beginning of July.

That sounds like a good timeline to me. Especially because I found this study that showed IVF rates were higher in the summer months. (I use the term "study" loosely. Their "science" was not air tight. But still those words exist- in the world........)

That's where we are in the fast, fun world of infertility.

I will soon have an AWESOME NEW HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace out Debbie Downer!

I know my last post was quite the downer. I continue to have positive and negative feelings about all this fertility bullshit. I was having a rough day.....well week really.

That was posted on Monday, tears included. I cried over something minor Tuesday (not being able to find something to wear). And Wednesday was the doozy. Woke up and was in full meltdown mode within 15 minutes.

We are trying to sell our home, so every morning we have to clean up, open windows, make the bed, etc. before leaving for work. Sometime during all the renovations and showings the dishwasher AND washing machine broke. At the same time. During a super stressful FET fail, selling the house, going under contract with new house, major decision making fertility-wise. HOLY CRAP IT WAS TOO MUCH!

Luckily my husband is amazing. He hand washed a bowl for me for breakfast, and just hugged me a lot. Only later when I was more calm did he tell me how much it sucked to wake up to that. But in the moment he was just there for me, and that's what is important.

I have a much more positive outlook these days though. Yes, the washing machine is still broken, but the dishwasher is fixed. 50-50.

The house still hasn't sold, and no offers yet. Lowered the price yesterday hoping we get an offer soon. It won't be the end of the world if it doesn't sell. It would mean we lose the Elgin house we love but we are only out a couple hundred bucks. We can make that work.

I have an appointment to get a second opinion on the next fertility steps on April 8. I feel optimistic about another round of IVF. I will be able to do some things differently, like eat better and try some other holistic things that have shown some success. I think if we do another round, eat super "clean," meditate, do yoga, and acupuncture we will increase our odds slightly. That could be the slight boost the old eggs need.

And really I need to do because there are not a lot of choices left, and we still have insurance coverage. So that's happening.

Phase 1: Increase exercise, decrease Bud Light. (Starts April 1)

I have worked out a couple times the past week, and found some great youtube videos to use. There is a 30-day challenge thing that has a new video everyday for the next month. I am going to give that a shot and it started today.

I am also cleaning up my food situation. During the last round of IVF and the FET I was a hungry, hungry hippo and ate all the things! Because I was STARVING! This time, knowing to expect that and planning ahead with good snacks will help a lot.

I also just bought a book Cooking to Conceive. http://www.amazon.com/Cooking-Conceive-Editors-Conceive-Magazine/dp/0811868540

I know it is a situation where the woman was like," Maybe if I eat healthy I will get knocked up. Achoo. Pregnant."

I hate when people say "If you would relax, or change your diet you will get pregnant."
I know my situation is different.

I also know of several studies that showed higher IVF success rates when the women ate a diet that was 25% protein, very low carbs (but not no), and healthy fats. The women who ate processed sugar had significantly lower success rates. The cookbook has recipes in it that focus on high quality proteins, low (but not no) carb, and good snack ideas.

I hope it will give us both some new dinner ideas. We are stuck in a bit of a rut when dinner is concerned. In our defense, shit has been a little wacky lately!  Especially since we can't get the counter tops wet at all.

Waterloxing that is high priority this weekend!

LOVE THIS!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/flopsie/infertility-explained-by-33-impossibly-adorable-ca-n33f

Cracked Eggs

My egg's are about 40 years old. This is the newest news in our world. My AMH is 1.23. That is on the "low to average" side, so it made sense to do a normal round of IVF. But it sucks to be 31, and have old ass eggs! It means our road to baby is that much longer and that much harder. And it is likely my fault. That's what I am struggling with today. 
I started smoking cigarettes off and on the summer after 8th grade. I was 13 or 14. The amount I smoked only increased and I was at about a pack a day by the time I graduated high school. Back then it was cooler to smoke Marlboro Reds. (They are much stronger than "lights", which I eventually "downgraded" to.) I just kept on and kept on doing it too. I knew it was bad for me, I knew it was stupid and I did it anyways thinking I was fine. I'm healthy, Nothing bad will happen to me. My typical young, cocky self. 
I did a lot of other stupid things that probably contributed to a "less than healthy lifestyle" back then. But I eventually got my shit together, straightened up and didn't smoke at all for over 2 years. 
Then, we went to Vegas. I started again, but only when I drank which at that time was rarely. 
Then, Vegas again (2012). I started smoking most of the weekends. And it pretty much snowballed from there. I quit for good in August 2013. Then after my first failed IVF started "weekend smoking" again. I only smoked occasionally until about 2 weeks before the frozen embryo transfer in March 2014. Then quit again. Then the next BFN, and started again, maybe a couple on the weekends and when drinking. 
The studies I have found, and from anecdotal evidence the damage was done to the eggs before August 2013 when my AMH was tested at 1.23. That the real damage was done a long time ago, only made worse by my recent relapses, and no hope of healing. 

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine states, "Research indicates that cigarette smoking is harmful to a woman’s ovaries, and the degree of harm is dependent upon the amount and the period of time a woman smokes. Smoking appears to accelerate the loss of eggs and reproductive function and may advance the time of menopause by several years. Components in cigarette smoke have been shown to interfere with the ability of cells in the ovary to make estrogen and to cause a woman’s eggs (oocytes) to be more prone to genetic abnormalities."

We are screwed. Never to have a family of our own because I became addicted to nicotine at age 14. 





I know this is a bit dramatic. We will have a family, eventually and through creative means. Thankfully technology exists to help overcome my poor choices. 

BFN

Big Fucking Negative.

I found out March 9 and I just didn't even want to write it down. To make it real. But it has been over a week and I am adjusting to the news. I should say we, because it has been really tough for S too. It's a weird feeling, well all of this fertility stuff is weird.

It is just weird to analyze every twitch and pang for ten days, then find out it was all in my head. Every single feeling my body had was thought about, put into context of it working, assigned a "cause" and talked about.

And now, nothing. It was all for nothing. It just didn't work.

Tomorrow I hope to find out more about the why.

But I know what the answer will be, "we don't know." Because as it turns out medical doctors don't know everything. In fact, many times it appears they are just guessing. Educated guessing but still just guessing.

Especially about fertility. They don't know shit! They just throw a bunch of shit against the wall and see what sticks.

I am considering changing doctors. There are so many pros and cons to this, which I feel is a really big decision. The doctor and lab make HUGE differences in IVF treatments.

It is such a delicate and uncertain process having a good doctor and legit lab are mission critical, I feel like more than other types of procedures.

Pros of New Doctor M: fresh set of eyes on the case, different approach, different med protocols that potentially would work better for me, hopefully not have to wait 30 minutes for a damn appointment!

Cons of New Doctor M: Dr. V already knows my V. (LOL) but seriously he knows how I have been responding to the meds, and could make appropriate changes that will help, he has been doing IVF for a long time and it sort of a badass at it. His stats are better than most. And having to start all over since the new dr. will likely want more tests, scans, and probing of my body.

I will make a decision after meeting with Dr. V tomorrow for the consultation. I am open to suggestions about switching doctors or not.

We are going to do another IVF round. We are going to wait until June.

We both need a mental and emotional break, and I need a physical break! I have gotten so fat and lazy! I of course blame the medications. Obvi.

Oh and we bought a new house! WHAT?! That is awesome!! We will be moving in a month since we sold our house BEFORE it was on the market!

I need to remember the house situation when I am lamenting how hard everything is for us. It really isn't I just use that during my pity parties.

So to recap-
1. My uterus is a stubborn bitch!
2. Moving. Boo and YAH!
3. New awesome house in a new town!
4. Taking Breaks!

Dr. Call

I found out today I will take the blood test Sunday! That is both so soon! and foooorrrrr evvvv errrrrr away!

I mentioned to the nurse some cramping I am having today, and while not being overly enthusiastic said that is definitely not a bad sign, and likely a good sign that implantation is occurring right on schedule!

Holy Shit! This is getting real.

Last week-Denial
This week- It could actually be happening


I must talk myself down however, because we don't need a repeat of the last cycle.

I was basically a devastated, sniveling mess for almost 2 weeks. It was 2 weeks before I could get 2 days in a row not crying. And a little longer before it was 3 days in a row. And I felt like shit.

So, we will be preventing that with a little dose of something I call "Reality."

The Reality of the situation is that we have a 40% chance of this working. That is less than half. Reel it in sister!

But it is really cool I am having "implantation cramping." I didn't have that before, we are at least a little bit more successful already!


(Notice I avoid the word pregnancy. This is protection against complete heart break. We are talking in terms of "Was the procedure successful?" and "It was successful, or it wasn't successful")