Home Reno and FET....Oh wait..........

So nothing has changed in the past 2 weeks........still doing home reno, and still in the FET cycle.

Week 3 on kitchen and bathroom re-dos, and I think we aren't as "fresh" or "up to it" as before.


Week 1 Saturday 9 AM- "Good Morning! Let's get going, I am so excited to see how great it looks in here, and go see some houses later"

Week 3 Saturday 10:30 AM- "WTF am I doing in painting clothes already.......whhhyyyyyyyy??? I don't wanna....this is the worst idea ever!! Do you think someone would still buy the house if the kitchen cabinets were only primed and not painted............"

By Week 3 Sunday, we were having a difficult time getting motivated. We are tired!
It might partially be self-inflicted. Because you know we aren't giving up our social lives to focus on working over the weekend.

Saturday I really wanted to go to this fundraiser dinner for Project Transitions (which was AMAZING) And Sunday he would not negotiate on watching the Super Bowl. So we worked a lot, but also made sure to have some socializing time.

S got the entire half bath tiled, and the vanity ready to go- assembled and measured. I finished priming the kitchen, and got it halfway painted. I also packed 10 boxes! Ready to move!

Only one problem-finding a house. Actually that's not the issue, it's being able to actually put a bid in on a house.

We have found FOUR houses we love, and shit keeps happening to the deal!
1. The "Perfect House" in Round Rock- Put the offer in, they have another one. Negotiate back and forth, they are playing games and being difficult, so we decide to walk away.

2. House on Anderson Mill- We took a bit too long to decide. It was on the market on Friday, GONE by Sunday AM.

3. 1431 House- On the market Friday, this time we moved more quickly tried to put an offer in Saturday afternoon. GONE

4. Cedar Park- Not on the market- not going to be listed for 4-6 weeks! Look at it on Sunday, attempt to put an offer in early Monday (specifically because the agent said he wasn't working Sunday) and they had gotten a cash offer SATURDAY. Seriously- why didn't you tell us this before we fell in love??!!!


This is worse than the dating scene! But we have hope there are "more fish in the sea"


About the FET--

I really have no idea what's happening. I get an ultrasound tomorrow, and that will let us know how the uterine lining is growing and the next steps. I should know more after my appointment tomorrow. But sometimes I don't know anything after the appointments, so who knows. Just going with the flow this time.....

Home Reno and FET

We have been busy lately meeting with a realtor, making a "sell the house" plan, and getting ready for the frozen embryo transfer.

House first:
We have found 2 amazing houses so far! The first is still a bit higher priced than we want and not in the most perfect location. The second is a goner- it was listed Friday, saw it Saturday, and by Sunday it was off the market and closed to new offers. There is a small chance the sale will fall through and we can step in, but we aren't holding our breaths.

We are really good with that outcome because we haven't even done financial preparations, nor is our house ready for the market! We have SO MUCH CRAP TO DO!!!!!!

This weekend we did a ton of work, with the help of my amazing parents. They came in from A-town on Friday and didn't leave until Monday afternoon.

We now have a totally new half bath, I mean everything- new walls, new floor, and up next is installing the new toilet, vanity, lights, and shelving. We have them, we just have to put them in there.

We now have new flooring in the full bath, new lighting in the living room, and new interior cabinet color.

When it is listed like that it doesn't sound like much. But it is! We worked so hard!!

Our house is chaos. I don't know where anything is, we have a new stain on the tile floor I have to try to get out, and there is nothing on the upper cabinet shelves. That stuff is covering every flat surface, and floor spot possible.

We now have about 4 kitchen boxes officially packed to move! BONUS!

Now the baby-making:
I also went to the doctor yesterday for my baseline ultrasound and FET plan making.

Everything is good to go, so the transfer of my frozen embaby will be Feb. 10! It seems so soon! Which is exciting, because I thought it would take longer to prep, like IVF did.

And no injection medications
And just 2 different medications. (Significantly lower than the 9 medications for IVF)
And only 2 doctor appointments between now and Feb. 10.

So much easier, but this is our one shot since we only have the one frozen little guy (who is 6 days old already, theoretically).

And it's great because I have a friend who is having IUI around the same time so we get to worry together, celebrate success together and/or mourn the loss together. Either way it turns out for either of us, it is nice to have someone going through all this BS with me! And, our kids could potentially be the same age, which would be cool.

We really hope it works this time because if not it's IVF round 2.....boo!



Here's to 2014 and a successful FET!!!!!! And a successful IUI for my friend!!!!

Holiday Mayhem

I read something today that said today is the most depressing day of the year. I get that, because it means "normal life" has resumed. Booorrrriiiinnnngggg.............

The holidays are so much fun! And exciting!! And I had so much time off work, parties, family, and just fun!

So yeah today is like the real world punching me in the face. That analogy came to me because I did get punched in the face----with CEDAR FEVER

The sinus pressure is hurting my face so much and I feel run down, tired, coughy, mucosy, etc. AND I lost my voice Wednesday! It's Monday, still sounds like I have smoked 2 packs of non-filter cigarettes the past decade. Gross.

But the upside of today being the most depressing day of the year is that I will be starting the next IVF round very soon.

It isn't technically IVF, but FET (frozen embryo transfer). Much easier, basically like half of IVF since they don't stimulate the eggs to remove them. They just put the frozen little guy in there and we hope.

Let's seriously hope this time works. This process is sucky and I want a baby dammit!

We did at least work on a home improvement project the past week. Skie has torn off the counter in the half-bath. There isn't a new one yet.........but hopefully soon............

This is sorta what we do, halfway to a project realize we need a plumber. Then realize it's New Years Day and there is no plumber around. So now we wait until Skie has time off work and a plumber.

Back Pain

My back has been hurting a lot since Saturday. This is not the first time I randomly have lower back pain, this is the 3rd time. The other two times have been immensely stressful, depressing times that I was sleeping a lot and mourning someone. I don't think it is a coincidence it started hurting Saturday when I was having such a bad day and had slept a lot Friday and Saturday.

I did have a massage which helped but didn't make it go away, and I have a chiropractic appointment scheduled. I know this physical pain is connected to my emotional pain.

Just now I found this article talking about the same thing. This person's situation is so much worse as far as the injury, but I can relate. My body manifests my emotional pain with physical pain.

How I Healed My Back Without Surgery or Drugs

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By Doug Tedeschi
July 18, 2012 11:00 PM EDT

Two years ago, my doctors told me I’d never run again. I’d never lift, push or pull anything heavy. My back was so messed up I wasn’t even supposed to bend at the waist.

But today I’m perfectly healthy. I do all the things my doctors told me not to, and I never experience the pain they said I’d feel. And that’s all without surgery, drugs or bed rest.

And for this I have Dr. John Sarno to thank.

Even today, I’ve never met Dr. Sarno, nor spoken to him. He’s a professor at NYU’s School of Medicine, a doctor at NYU Hospital and, most importantly to me, the author of Healing Back Pain. In the book, Dr. Sarno promises to heal you without medicine or medical procedures, and he does just that.

But first, let’s back up to my injury. Some friends of mine found a giant slalom track on a ski slope in Jackson Hole and challenged each other to races. Outmatched in skill and experience, I took the course harder than I should have, and suffered. X-rays showed a badly blown out L-5 disc, pressing hard against the nerves in my spine.

The pain was constant and severe. It hit my lower back, and shot sharply from mid-rear-end down the back of my leg. Many days, I couldn’t walk. Others, I’d walk a block or two, then lay on the ground in the middle of pedestrian traffic until the pain subsided.

Cortisone shots to my spine and orally taken steroids did little to ease the pain. Months of physical therapy only made things marginally better. Restricting my daily activities bit hard into my psyche.

Amid heightening desperation, I read an article about wellness that had nothing to do with back pain. But the author said he’d suffered the same injury I had, and cured it with Dr. Sarno’s book. The book sounded like quackery, but the author’s story was so much like mine... His remorse over being told he’d never play his favorite sports again, or pick up his kids, reverberated with me.

I looked the book up on Amazon. Sure enough, hundreds of customer reviewers told stories of their own, and hailed Dr. Sarno’s book as changing their lives. It had to be worth a try.

The book is only a few dozen pages. It doesn’t say very much. Its point is simple, though the exact mechanisms Dr. Sarno describes are somewhat more complicated. Basically, my back was perfectly fine. It was my head that hurt. Not physically, but psychologically.

According to Dr. Sarno, when we get severely stressed out, our subconscious mind wants to protect us from the strain. To distract our conscious mind from anger or anxiety, it creates a distraction.

Because I’d actually done some physical damage to my lower back, my subconscious mind knew the distraction of severe pain in that area would be believable to my conscious mind. So it constricted the blood vessels there, preventing enough blood from getting to my nerve. The nerve, being extremely sensitive to oxygen deprivation, reacted with severe pain.

To reverse the process, all I had to do was tell myself I was perfectly healthy. That I knew what my subconscious was doing to “protect” me and didn’t want that protection anymore. And to do this, I needed to send my subconscious mind a strong, clear, consistent message.

The first step was changing the way I talked to myself. When I felt pain, I’d tell myself, “Stop causing pain. I know my back is perfectly healthy. What could be causing me anxiety and anger?” Or simply, “My back is perfectly healthy. My back is perfectly healthy.” Though I felt like Annette Bening in American Beauty, reassuring herself, “I will sell this house today,” it made a huge difference for me. (No, you don’t have to say this stuff out loud.)

The second step was to get out there and do all the things my doctors told me not to. I signed up for a duathlon (bike plus run), because cycling was the number one activity my doctors prohibited. I’d lift heavy objects with abandon, bend at the waist, swing a golf club. I even ran a Tough Mudder.

Though this sounds dangerous and crazy, it was the most powerful way to let my subconscious mind know I was on to what it was doing. (To refrain from these activities would be to admit to my subconscious mind that I believed my back was actually hurt.) Once my subconscious knew for certain that the jig was up, there was little point in carrying on the ruse anymore.

Sounds crazy? Well, it is, until you try it and it works. I haven’t felt a twinge of pain since I changed the way I thought and lived.

If my story sounds like yours, I urge you to order a copy of Dr. Sarno’s book. Reading the book, it may feel like he’s been with you all this time, because he knows your story better than you do. You’ll catch yourself thinking, over and over again, “That’s exactly what happened to me!”

I’ve passed the book along already to several other people who’ve faced similar problems. For most of them, it’s worked. If I can get a few more people on board with Dr. Sarno’s remedy, the pain will all have been worthwhile.

Coping

There are good days and bad days. I am trying to work through all the disappointment of having 2 embryos in the right place at the right time and then nothing. It just blows my mind.

They say that happens; there is only a 50% chance IVF will work. But come on! I am young, healthy, and there were 2! I just don't understand.

I have been feeling really emotional lately, as in just having a lot of emotions all the time. I am either sad and bawling or angry or at peace. It is weird. I must still be going through hormone detox because I am all over the map.

I don't think I have ever cried this much in a week. TV made me cry, Christmas made me cry, I cried at World Market, HEB, A-Town, while getting a massage, with friends, alone, while driving, etc. I have just been crying all over the place.

I woke up Saturday crying. I had a really horrible dream that I still remember all of the details.

The dream started in the hospital. I was one of several obviously very pregnant women with their families. Everyone else went into labor, delivered their baby, and went home. I was the only one left in the room (it was a group labor and delivery situation, which was weird). The nurse kept saying "you aren't ready yet, you aren't ready." Then, she checked me and said "Oh wait, you aren't pregnant at all, you have to leave." Just kicked me out.

It doesn't sound that sad written down, but it was- trust me!

So pretty much I spent Saturday crying about various things, feeling overwhelmed with basically everything, and Christmas shopping. Not my best day.

But I had an awesome time Sunday hanging with some girls, and then a massage so a much better day Sunday!

And, today is Monday at 4:30pm I haven't cried yet. So things are improving.

IVF Fail

It did not work. I am not pregnant.

I have had the most devastating 24 hours. I have gone through most of the stages of grief I think, having settled on acceptance for the moment. I hope it lasts for awhile at least.

I really felt that it was going to work. I knew the odds, about 50%, but I just thought we would catch a break this time. It seems we have more than our fair share of heartache, so I just thought.......

That's what happens when I get just a little too optimistic. I still don't understand why. Why us? What did we do wrong? I know the answer, Nothing. We did nothing wrong. It just happens sometimes.

I know that mentally but my heart doesn't understand. I don't know that it ever will.

The doctor called today and helped me feel a little better. He was saying that we don't know if the 2 embryos we transferred ever grew at all, they might have been at the end of their life before they went it. There is no way to know if they grew at all.

We had 5 fertilize, 2 transferred, 2 didn't make it past day 3, so we have 1 left in the freezer.

We know he is strong, because it made it to day 6 before the freeze, growing and strong.

The doctor says that is a good sign. It could mean the frozen one is our best shot. And as he gently reminded me, we only need 1. It would be nice to have a couple more in the freezer, but we just have 1.

1 more shot.

Then we have other options. We aren't sure what to do after the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).

But we have options: IVF again, IUI, Adoption. All have significant pros and cons. Which we will cross when we get there.......

This weekend: I will be drinking alcohol, caffeine, and eating chocolate in ridiculous amounts

This week: Detox.

Then, eating the rainbow, no drinking alcohol or caffeine until the FET in early January.

I just looked at the calendar, and it really isn't that far away until we try again. Estimated CD1 is Jan 1-4.

Thanks for all the prayers, support, and love the past months. We still need lots of prayers and support the next few months!!

Is is Saturday yet??????????????

Come on .........................................