Cracked Eggs

My egg's are about 40 years old. This is the newest news in our world. My AMH is 1.23. That is on the "low to average" side, so it made sense to do a normal round of IVF. But it sucks to be 31, and have old ass eggs! It means our road to baby is that much longer and that much harder. And it is likely my fault. That's what I am struggling with today. 
I started smoking cigarettes off and on the summer after 8th grade. I was 13 or 14. The amount I smoked only increased and I was at about a pack a day by the time I graduated high school. Back then it was cooler to smoke Marlboro Reds. (They are much stronger than "lights", which I eventually "downgraded" to.) I just kept on and kept on doing it too. I knew it was bad for me, I knew it was stupid and I did it anyways thinking I was fine. I'm healthy, Nothing bad will happen to me. My typical young, cocky self. 
I did a lot of other stupid things that probably contributed to a "less than healthy lifestyle" back then. But I eventually got my shit together, straightened up and didn't smoke at all for over 2 years. 
Then, we went to Vegas. I started again, but only when I drank which at that time was rarely. 
Then, Vegas again (2012). I started smoking most of the weekends. And it pretty much snowballed from there. I quit for good in August 2013. Then after my first failed IVF started "weekend smoking" again. I only smoked occasionally until about 2 weeks before the frozen embryo transfer in March 2014. Then quit again. Then the next BFN, and started again, maybe a couple on the weekends and when drinking. 
The studies I have found, and from anecdotal evidence the damage was done to the eggs before August 2013 when my AMH was tested at 1.23. That the real damage was done a long time ago, only made worse by my recent relapses, and no hope of healing. 

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine states, "Research indicates that cigarette smoking is harmful to a woman’s ovaries, and the degree of harm is dependent upon the amount and the period of time a woman smokes. Smoking appears to accelerate the loss of eggs and reproductive function and may advance the time of menopause by several years. Components in cigarette smoke have been shown to interfere with the ability of cells in the ovary to make estrogen and to cause a woman’s eggs (oocytes) to be more prone to genetic abnormalities."

We are screwed. Never to have a family of our own because I became addicted to nicotine at age 14. 





I know this is a bit dramatic. We will have a family, eventually and through creative means. Thankfully technology exists to help overcome my poor choices. 

BFN

Big Fucking Negative.

I found out March 9 and I just didn't even want to write it down. To make it real. But it has been over a week and I am adjusting to the news. I should say we, because it has been really tough for S too. It's a weird feeling, well all of this fertility stuff is weird.

It is just weird to analyze every twitch and pang for ten days, then find out it was all in my head. Every single feeling my body had was thought about, put into context of it working, assigned a "cause" and talked about.

And now, nothing. It was all for nothing. It just didn't work.

Tomorrow I hope to find out more about the why.

But I know what the answer will be, "we don't know." Because as it turns out medical doctors don't know everything. In fact, many times it appears they are just guessing. Educated guessing but still just guessing.

Especially about fertility. They don't know shit! They just throw a bunch of shit against the wall and see what sticks.

I am considering changing doctors. There are so many pros and cons to this, which I feel is a really big decision. The doctor and lab make HUGE differences in IVF treatments.

It is such a delicate and uncertain process having a good doctor and legit lab are mission critical, I feel like more than other types of procedures.

Pros of New Doctor M: fresh set of eyes on the case, different approach, different med protocols that potentially would work better for me, hopefully not have to wait 30 minutes for a damn appointment!

Cons of New Doctor M: Dr. V already knows my V. (LOL) but seriously he knows how I have been responding to the meds, and could make appropriate changes that will help, he has been doing IVF for a long time and it sort of a badass at it. His stats are better than most. And having to start all over since the new dr. will likely want more tests, scans, and probing of my body.

I will make a decision after meeting with Dr. V tomorrow for the consultation. I am open to suggestions about switching doctors or not.

We are going to do another IVF round. We are going to wait until June.

We both need a mental and emotional break, and I need a physical break! I have gotten so fat and lazy! I of course blame the medications. Obvi.

Oh and we bought a new house! WHAT?! That is awesome!! We will be moving in a month since we sold our house BEFORE it was on the market!

I need to remember the house situation when I am lamenting how hard everything is for us. It really isn't I just use that during my pity parties.

So to recap-
1. My uterus is a stubborn bitch!
2. Moving. Boo and YAH!
3. New awesome house in a new town!
4. Taking Breaks!

Dr. Call

I found out today I will take the blood test Sunday! That is both so soon! and foooorrrrr evvvv errrrrr away!

I mentioned to the nurse some cramping I am having today, and while not being overly enthusiastic said that is definitely not a bad sign, and likely a good sign that implantation is occurring right on schedule!

Holy Shit! This is getting real.

Last week-Denial
This week- It could actually be happening


I must talk myself down however, because we don't need a repeat of the last cycle.

I was basically a devastated, sniveling mess for almost 2 weeks. It was 2 weeks before I could get 2 days in a row not crying. And a little longer before it was 3 days in a row. And I felt like shit.

So, we will be preventing that with a little dose of something I call "Reality."

The Reality of the situation is that we have a 40% chance of this working. That is less than half. Reel it in sister!

But it is really cool I am having "implantation cramping." I didn't have that before, we are at least a little bit more successful already!


(Notice I avoid the word pregnancy. This is protection against complete heart break. We are talking in terms of "Was the procedure successful?" and "It was successful, or it wasn't successful")

Negative Nancy has taken over the world!!!

I haven't felt like writing on here in awhile, and I figured out why. I was in total denial the FET was really happening. I was thinking it would get canceled because my lining wasn't where it should have been during the entire cycle. But turns out doctor just pushed it back.

On Friday, I had my one little fighter transferred! He is a blastocyst, day 6 though they still say it's a day 5. No idea why. He was already starting to hatch when they took his picture early Friday morning. By the time we saw him in real life Friday at 11:30 he had hatched even more. That is a really good sign there is still growth and movement happening! (We didn't get that last time-they had stopped growing we think now)

This weekend I took it really easy, napped a lot, didn't lift anything over 5 pounds, and just relaxed.

This is the timeline of what to expect now:

Since our embryos were frozen on day 5 after the retrieval, here is what our embryos have been up to and will be up to for the next several days (“dpt” stands for “days past transfer”):

• Saturday-1dpt….Blastocyst hatches out of shell
• Sun-2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
• Mon-3dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
• Tues-4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
• Thurs- 5dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
• Fri March 7-6dpt…Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
• Sat-7dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops
• Sun- 8dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops
• Mon, March 10- 9dpt…HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT!!!

I am trying super hard not to analyze every twitch and "symptom" but it is so hard. Since Friday I have had period-like cramps, nausea, serious fatigue, and that's about it. All of those are signs of progesterone. So it really means nothing.......but hey you never know right......

Home Reno and FET....Oh wait..........

So nothing has changed in the past 2 weeks........still doing home reno, and still in the FET cycle.

Week 3 on kitchen and bathroom re-dos, and I think we aren't as "fresh" or "up to it" as before.


Week 1 Saturday 9 AM- "Good Morning! Let's get going, I am so excited to see how great it looks in here, and go see some houses later"

Week 3 Saturday 10:30 AM- "WTF am I doing in painting clothes already.......whhhyyyyyyyy??? I don't wanna....this is the worst idea ever!! Do you think someone would still buy the house if the kitchen cabinets were only primed and not painted............"

By Week 3 Sunday, we were having a difficult time getting motivated. We are tired!
It might partially be self-inflicted. Because you know we aren't giving up our social lives to focus on working over the weekend.

Saturday I really wanted to go to this fundraiser dinner for Project Transitions (which was AMAZING) And Sunday he would not negotiate on watching the Super Bowl. So we worked a lot, but also made sure to have some socializing time.

S got the entire half bath tiled, and the vanity ready to go- assembled and measured. I finished priming the kitchen, and got it halfway painted. I also packed 10 boxes! Ready to move!

Only one problem-finding a house. Actually that's not the issue, it's being able to actually put a bid in on a house.

We have found FOUR houses we love, and shit keeps happening to the deal!
1. The "Perfect House" in Round Rock- Put the offer in, they have another one. Negotiate back and forth, they are playing games and being difficult, so we decide to walk away.

2. House on Anderson Mill- We took a bit too long to decide. It was on the market on Friday, GONE by Sunday AM.

3. 1431 House- On the market Friday, this time we moved more quickly tried to put an offer in Saturday afternoon. GONE

4. Cedar Park- Not on the market- not going to be listed for 4-6 weeks! Look at it on Sunday, attempt to put an offer in early Monday (specifically because the agent said he wasn't working Sunday) and they had gotten a cash offer SATURDAY. Seriously- why didn't you tell us this before we fell in love??!!!


This is worse than the dating scene! But we have hope there are "more fish in the sea"


About the FET--

I really have no idea what's happening. I get an ultrasound tomorrow, and that will let us know how the uterine lining is growing and the next steps. I should know more after my appointment tomorrow. But sometimes I don't know anything after the appointments, so who knows. Just going with the flow this time.....

Home Reno and FET

We have been busy lately meeting with a realtor, making a "sell the house" plan, and getting ready for the frozen embryo transfer.

House first:
We have found 2 amazing houses so far! The first is still a bit higher priced than we want and not in the most perfect location. The second is a goner- it was listed Friday, saw it Saturday, and by Sunday it was off the market and closed to new offers. There is a small chance the sale will fall through and we can step in, but we aren't holding our breaths.

We are really good with that outcome because we haven't even done financial preparations, nor is our house ready for the market! We have SO MUCH CRAP TO DO!!!!!!

This weekend we did a ton of work, with the help of my amazing parents. They came in from A-town on Friday and didn't leave until Monday afternoon.

We now have a totally new half bath, I mean everything- new walls, new floor, and up next is installing the new toilet, vanity, lights, and shelving. We have them, we just have to put them in there.

We now have new flooring in the full bath, new lighting in the living room, and new interior cabinet color.

When it is listed like that it doesn't sound like much. But it is! We worked so hard!!

Our house is chaos. I don't know where anything is, we have a new stain on the tile floor I have to try to get out, and there is nothing on the upper cabinet shelves. That stuff is covering every flat surface, and floor spot possible.

We now have about 4 kitchen boxes officially packed to move! BONUS!

Now the baby-making:
I also went to the doctor yesterday for my baseline ultrasound and FET plan making.

Everything is good to go, so the transfer of my frozen embaby will be Feb. 10! It seems so soon! Which is exciting, because I thought it would take longer to prep, like IVF did.

And no injection medications
And just 2 different medications. (Significantly lower than the 9 medications for IVF)
And only 2 doctor appointments between now and Feb. 10.

So much easier, but this is our one shot since we only have the one frozen little guy (who is 6 days old already, theoretically).

And it's great because I have a friend who is having IUI around the same time so we get to worry together, celebrate success together and/or mourn the loss together. Either way it turns out for either of us, it is nice to have someone going through all this BS with me! And, our kids could potentially be the same age, which would be cool.

We really hope it works this time because if not it's IVF round 2.....boo!



Here's to 2014 and a successful FET!!!!!! And a successful IUI for my friend!!!!

Holiday Mayhem

I read something today that said today is the most depressing day of the year. I get that, because it means "normal life" has resumed. Booorrrriiiinnnngggg.............

The holidays are so much fun! And exciting!! And I had so much time off work, parties, family, and just fun!

So yeah today is like the real world punching me in the face. That analogy came to me because I did get punched in the face----with CEDAR FEVER

The sinus pressure is hurting my face so much and I feel run down, tired, coughy, mucosy, etc. AND I lost my voice Wednesday! It's Monday, still sounds like I have smoked 2 packs of non-filter cigarettes the past decade. Gross.

But the upside of today being the most depressing day of the year is that I will be starting the next IVF round very soon.

It isn't technically IVF, but FET (frozen embryo transfer). Much easier, basically like half of IVF since they don't stimulate the eggs to remove them. They just put the frozen little guy in there and we hope.

Let's seriously hope this time works. This process is sucky and I want a baby dammit!

We did at least work on a home improvement project the past week. Skie has torn off the counter in the half-bath. There isn't a new one yet.........but hopefully soon............

This is sorta what we do, halfway to a project realize we need a plumber. Then realize it's New Years Day and there is no plumber around. So now we wait until Skie has time off work and a plumber.